Children who grow up around family violence often show it in how they behave long before they have the words to explain it. You might notice your child becoming clingy or withdrawn, sleeping poorly, wetting the bed again, lashing out over small things, or watching the room closely for the next flashpoint. These are common responses to living with fear and uncertainty.
If you’re only just beginning to recognise these changes, remember that what happens next matters too. While family violence can have serious effects, understanding those changes is often the first step in supporting your child. With safety, steady routines and the right support, many children recover well over time.
If you or your children need help right now:
- 1800RESPECT (national family and domestic violence counselling): 1800 737 732
- Kids Helpline (free, confidential, for young people, 24/7): 1800 551 800
- Lifeline (crisis support): 13 11 14
- In an emergency, always call 000.
Key takeaways
- Family violence can affect a child’s behaviour, even if they do not directly witness the violence.
- Children may express distress through changes in behaviour rather than words.
- Every child responds differently, and the signs often vary depending on their age and stage of development.
- Creating a safe, predictable environment and seeking support early can make a meaningful difference.
- If you are concerned about your child’s wellbeing, you do not need to have all the answers before asking for help.
Children are affected even when they do not see the violence
Many parents do everything they can to shield their children from what happens between adults. In reality, children take in far more than we realise. They may see an incident, hear it from another room, notice the aftermath, or simply feel the fear and tension in a parent they love. Some children are also drawn in directly, stepping in to protect a parent or sibling.
The Australian Institute of Family Studies notes that exposure to family violence can affect children’s behaviour, development, schooling and mental wellbeing. That does not mean lasting harm is inevitable. Children are shaped by what happens next just as much as by what has already happened, and safety and stability can make a real difference.
How does domestic violence affect children’s behaviour at different ages?
Children of every age can be affected by family violence, and the way those effects show up often changes as they grow. Every child is different, and no child will show every one of these behaviours.
- Babies and toddlers may be unsettled and hard to soothe, become distressed when separated from a parent, or show changes in feeding and sleep. Some are slower to reach developmental milestones.
- Preschoolers often return to younger behaviours such as bedwetting, thumb-sucking or extra clinginess. You might see more tears, tantrums or fearfulness, or complaints of tummy aches and headaches with no clear cause.
- Primary school-aged children may find it hard to concentrate at school, blame themselves for what is happening, or lose confidence. Some become very quiet and watchful, while others become more easily angered. Headaches, stomach aches and trouble with friendships are common.
- Teenagers may withdraw, become angry or defiant, skip school, or take risks with alcohol or other substances. Some struggle with low self-worth, and in some cases young people self-harm or have thoughts of suicide.
If your child or teenager is self-harming or talking about suicide, seek help immediately. Kids Helpline and Lifeline can provide crisis support, and you should always call 000 in an emergency.
Why children behave this way
Understanding how domestic violence affects children’s behaviour starts with a simple idea: behaviour is communication. When a child lives with fear, their body can stay on alert, always ready for the next difficult moment. Over time, that constant state of alert has to go somewhere, and it often shows up as anger, worry, clinginess, or trouble sleeping and concentrating.
None of this is a child’s fault. The responsibility for the violence always sits with the person who chooses to use it. Children also cope in very different ways, so two siblings living in the same home may respond quite differently.
How to support your child
You do not need to fix everything at once. Small, steady acts of safety and reassurance add up over time.
- Keep routines predictable. Familiar mealtimes, bedtimes and school attendance help a child’s world feel steady again.
- Reassure them that the violence is not their fault, and that it is not their job to stop or fix it.
- Let them lead the conversation. Listen when they want to talk, and do not pressure them to talk before they are ready.
- Help them put words to their feelings. Reassure them that it is okay to feel angry, sad or confused.
- Rebuild confidence by noticing and praising the things they do well.
- Encourage your child’s relationships with trusted adults, siblings and teachers. Feeling supported by the people around them can play an important role in helping them recover.
- Look after yourself too. This is hard on you as well, and your own support matters.
These approaches are consistent with guidance from the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia, which highlights the importance of a non-violent parent who offers structure, warmth and emotional support, alongside connection from other trusted adults and maintaining regular routines such as school and activities.
When to involve a professional
There is no need to wait until things reach a crisis point to get help. Consider talking to a professional if your child’s distress is not easing, if their responses are affecting school or friendships, or if you want guidance on what to do next. Early support often makes the biggest difference.
Good first steps include your GP, your child health nurse, or your child’s school counsellor. A child psychologist or family counsellor can also give your child a safe space to make sense of their experience.
For some families, it can also help when counselling and legal support work alongside each other, rather than through separate services. Cottesloe Counselling provides in-house counselling for children and parents, making it easier to access help from professionals who already understand your family’s situation, without having to start again with another service.
Where legal protection fits in
Sometimes keeping a child safe also means putting legal protections in place. Parenting arrangements can help create safe, predictable time with each parent, and family violence restraining orders can help protect children and parents from further harm.
In every parenting matter, a child’s safety and best interests are the court’s paramount consideration, and family violence is a central consideration.
Taking the next step to protect your family
If you are worried about how family violence is affecting your child, you do not have to work through it alone. You do not need to have all the answers before asking for help. Speaking with one of our experienced family lawyers can help you understand your options, take steps to protect your child and move forward with confidence.
At Loukas Law, we believe protecting a family means more than resolving legal issues. When you’re ready, get in touch with our team. We’ll help you understand your options and support you legally, financially and personally, so you and your children can move forward with confidence.
Support services
- 1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732
- Kids Helpline: 1800 551 800
- Lifeline: 13 11 14
- Emergency: 000
Frequently asked questions
Q. How long can family violence affect a child?
Every child is different. Some children begin to settle once they are safe and supported, while others may continue to show signs of distress for months or longer. Recovery is rarely a straight line, but with stability, supportive relationships and, where needed, professional help, many children recover well over time.
Q. How do I know if my child needs professional support?
If your child’s behaviour is not improving, is affecting their daily life, or you are unsure how best to support them, it is worth speaking with a professional. You do not need to wait until your child reaches crisis point before asking for help.
Q. Will family violence be considered when decisions are made about my children?
Yes. The court’s paramount consideration is always the child’s best interests when parenting arrangements are being decided. Protecting children from family violence is an important part of that assessment, alongside their safety, wellbeing and long-term development.